Extra Credit

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Is this rock bottom?

So... it's been a month since our life turned upside down. It's been an emotional time, that's for sure. I haven't blogged much because our only computer hasn't been working for some reason. 

Ever try to type a whole paper on your phone? Let's give it a shot...

As most of the world knows... my husband and I are getting a divorce for Christmas. Kind of ironic that we shared some of our most exciting news... TWICE on two Christmases. I found out i was pregnant with Kora AND Sadie around Christmas time. One of my absolute favorite times of the year... has now been surrounded with grief, hurt, shame, embarrassment, hopelessness. The list goes one. 

I have been struggling to keep it all together and have a REALLY hard time asking for help. I've had SO many people from every walk of my life reach out and try to help. 

I've had to completely surrender myself and my pride because at the end of the day, my kids are more important than feeling embarrassed or like I failed as a mother. 

I see people post on FB all the time about mom's walking into the food stamp office with a new car, tattoos and an iphone. I'm here to tell you that NO ONE .... and I mean NO ONE has ANY idea what someone is going through. I have a brand new car that's being taken from me, but I still drove it to the food stamp place. I have an arm full of tattoos, but they were paid for as birthday gifts and before my life crumbled around me. I have a Samsung note, that is also being turned off. I had all these nice, expensive things ... looking at me from the outside. However, I was so incredibly broken and desperately trying to survive in the inside. 

My breaking point... yesterday morning I stopped at the corner store so I could grab a drink and snack for Logan's lunch. The kids begged for donuts since it was 7:30 am. I ran into a lady I knew from Logan's school. Smiled and pretended life was going to be ok. She went and paid for her stuff, then left. It was my turn. I went up to the register and just prayed that my card would work. What was I going to tell my kids if it didn't?  I have NEVER.... been THIS LOW.... in my life. The card was declined. I had to go back to the car empty handed and my ego bruised once again.

Have I mentioned Christmas is in 40 something days???? Talk about another panic attack... and a whole different blog post.

I know people are wondering why I'm sharing my absolute darkest time with the world. Truthfully, I'm the type of person who likes to fake it until you make it. I don't like anyone to know I'm struggling with anything. With all my bladder surgeries I'm in horrific, sharp pain frequently... but you would never know. Got to love all the invisible scars I have. I've been fighting with depression for YEARS. Not until recently have I've began sharing that journey. I made a decision to embrace myself with all the good and bad. To not hide anymore. I refuse to be ashamed of who I am... This is me. I'm SO far from perfect. None of my life goals turned out the way I pictured. I say bad words. I like beer. I'm a really great friend... but a pretty crappy one at the same time. Either love me... or move the hell on because what you see NOW, is what you get. I'm funny. I'm as freakin' loyal as they come. I've never even seen Magic Mike or read the 50 shades of grey books because I didn't want to allow my mind to wander. I'm spontaneous and always dive in head first to everything. 

I refuse to sink. I will continue to fight. I will weather this storm so I can help someone else during their storm. It's how the world works. My dad died... I had to figure it out and grieve pretty much on my own. (I'm not saying I didn't have support. I did. I'm saying I had to figure out in my own time and in my own way.) I feel like now, that tragic experience has given me more compassion for my friends who are now losing parents. I remember how I felt and I remember what I hated hearing.... over and over. So now, I am there for them the way I wanted/needed someone to be there for me. I needed to hear the truth. It sucks, you'll have nightmares, panic attacks... breakdowns at the most random times 9 years later. But I'm here... no matter how ugly it gets. 

Anyways.... I just wanted people to understand me. I wanted to be honest with you and let you know that I'm not ok right now. But, this is temporary.

I also wanted to add this last thought... I am NOT sad about losing him. He doesn't deserve what I have to offer. What he did to me is unforgivable. I'm sad for my kids, because things will never be the same. They will be BETTER, but it's still a hard transition at such such a young age. I remember watching my dad leave. I'm sad that the vows I made that September are broken and I had no control over that. 

Thank you.... from every ounce of my being. I will rise. I will conquer. And most importantly, I'll never forget all the love and support I've been shown. All I had to do was be myself.